paper chain.

this was so appropriate. thank you kaili elaine, for the newest addition to my bedroom decor: a paper chain!

obvi, it's for counting down the days to ash and john's big day. i can't wait.

eh.

ok ok. the blog is dying and i'm sorry. i can't use the "busy excuse" because i already shot that one down in a previous post. looks like i've shot myself in the foot again. this sunday has been like pulling teeth. i know i need to study. but i just spent about 2 hours tanning outside. the transition from enjoyable time to study time is nearly impossible for me. i can't seem to be able to a hardcore studier and normal person in the same day. i'm too extreme to find middle ground.

in fact, transition overall is becoming increasingly difficult for me as the days pass. yesterday i was talking to Ash, and we were discussing the possibility of our star-crossed lover souls to ever live in the same city again.



she said we would be about 30 when i could decide where i wanted to live with a free will. oh God. 30? is that real?

get this: my first non-visceral response to this idea: " i better be skinny when i'm 30" .

Ash: " yeah, me too".

right. because being skinny when i'm 30 will definitely be the MOST important thing. plus, everyone knows time speeds up the female metabolism rate. duh.

anyway, Ash and i were having this conversation because we were discussing a certain emptiness in our lives. maybe its a lack of community, a type of loneliness, an unsettled feeling in where we live, a mourning of the past, a bleak view of the future.

ash said, " maybe by then we could fill the little emptiness in our hearts".

i meagerly acquiesced, but knew that i didn't really agree.

the truth is that my second year of medical school is almost over. i'm about to move to a new place, and start a whole new version of my life. while i am truly excited and curious, i can't shake an underlying feeling of doom. doom for the future of my career, doom for my relationships, doom for my sense of security and happiness.

i wonder why.

when i applied to medical school, one school asked me to discuss the most challenging point in my life. i wrote about my family, and my transition from child to adult. i ended the essay with this statement:

"As I look toward a career in medicine with gratitude and excitement, I am confident that these struggles forced me to decide who I am, to be confident in my ideals, to have faith in my dreams, and to understand that hope is not in vain".

reading that now is incredibly shameful. i wonder how my enthusiasm, but mostly my faith in the goodness of life has diminished so significantly in less than 2 years.

somehow i've misplaced the value in my life from believing and pursuing truth, to hoping that i'm skinny when i'm 30.

the thing is, is that i'm longing for something that i can't even identify.

writing this blog and seeing myself in print has made me realize that i've forgotten that the great mystery of life is that i am called to a journey greater than i can even imagine. that i still believe, even if it is not as emphatic or clear as it has been in the past.

while i cannot say that i still believe my career will change the lives of others, or that i will even be an encouragement to my future patients, i can be joyful over the fact the even in the emptiness of the present time, i still desperately and passionately believe in the power of serving others. whether it be through medicine, embarrassing stories, or constant harassment, i know i will accomplish this in my lifetime. and that, my friends, brings me hope.

last year, Ash visited me and brought me a book she made for me. she quoted henri nouwen,

" you come to your brothers and sisters accepting your own brokenness. not fearless and tearless. not unscarred and unshaken. dreadfully vulnerable in giving life to others; you die a little each time, each day".

thanks for the encouragement, Ash.

thanks for reading.

meg

open for interpretation...

hi. i'm ashamed. it's been a while. honestly, i've been wheeling and dealing in my head for the past couple of weeks about what my next blog would be. i've had a couple of ideas, all requiring long, dramatic stories of laughter, tears, and revelation. surprised?

i just can't decide what to write about today, and i feel i've left so many bloggable experiences un -written in the last few weeks. so i've decided to condense all my could-be-posts into a short summary. each point is open to interpretation by you, the reader. can't wait to hear what you think of my days of late.

1. first, there was the day (about a million months ago) that i had a standardized patient with benign prostatic hypertrophy. basically, that means he's an older guy whose prostate is growing and obstructing his urine flow. naturally, he asked me what that meant. being the brilliant doctor-to-be that i am, i drew him a picture of his urinary tract! i AM brilliant; here it is:

it makes PERFECT sense, right. i mean, just look at that labeled prostate constricting those ureters! i was really proud of myself until my patient proceeded to remind me that the prostate lies BELOW the bladder. duh. there's nothing like being schooled on basic anatomy by someone who doesn't spend hours every day studying it.

don't worry, that day was only slightly embarrassing.

2. actually, the prostate day was a walk in the park compared to that day last week, when it rained. it rained and i was pissed at the slow walker in front of me. i passed that sucker at lightning fast speed just as the ground i walked on mysteriously transformed from concrete to grass. i fell flat on my face in front of at least 5 dental students; all of which passed me and refused eye contact as i picked up my inappropriately large purse, text book, laptop, and BROKEN IN HALF umbrella. no big deal. really. i'm fine.

3. then there was the day that i went to pick up Liv, and decided to take her sister along as well. yep. that's right. two puppies at once. i named her pearl, for obvious reasons.

liv and pearl, sisters 4 lyfe.

then, there was the moment about 5 seconds after having them both that i realized having two puppies means quite literally that i will never be alone again, not even to pee.

that day i also realized that liv and i may be one soul in two seperate bodies;

too bad she got the looks and i got the damn opposable thumbs.

3. i must admit, being liv's mom looks good on me. so good, in fact i must be exuding some air of motherhood, because a random man actually asked me if i was pregnant over Christmas break. yep, i was super-flattered of course! there's not anything quite like someone wondering if you gained weigh, retained water, and developed pitting edema. it was almost as bad as the day in college when a girl in a gas station asked me if i 'used to be pregnant'. oh wait, no, it was worse.

i love being called fat!

so glad i ran into edward cullen later that day in the make-up section of neiman's. a good vampire sighting can cure anything.

4. it's days like those above that i realize how fortunate i am to have family. especially my sisters. i mean, it's hard loving a clumsy, pregnant, medical student with no affinity for science. especially on days when she insists upon riding in the grocery cart instead of walking around the store.

or when she insists you climb a ladder in your wedding gown.

thanks, anne. love you forever; and sorry i said you look like luigi in an earlier post, you totally grew out of it.

5. there was everyday, and then there was today, when i wrote this blog; starting out with a general bitterness toward prostates and ending with an affection for the two woman who deal with me with incredible patience, tolerating 8 AM texts like, "do you think all of us sisters are super fertile?", extensively detailed Christmas requests , and at least one year of general ridicule of their husbands.

i. am. lucky. let the peace and joy prevail!

thanks for reading, this one is dedicated to shellis.

For Rebekah...

lately, my dearest friend rebekah has been experiencing a few unnerving cardiac malfunctions; and much like rebekah herself, traditional western medicine is having quite the time decifering them. basically, that's a BS way of saying that no one knows what is wrong with Bek and her accompanying heart palpitations. anyway, in order to expedite her recovery, i'd like to officially announce to her and the rest of the blog-reading world, that a new and pee-your-pants exciting addition has been made to the pursuit of peace and joy.

her name is Liv. and she is perfect.

a better cuddler than your boyfriend, softer than cashmere, and prettier than your average super-model, Liv is well on her way to becoming my life time companion. can't wait to share stories of her with you.

rebekah, feel free to watch this video and Wall-E as many times as you need.

love,
old megg and little liv

PS. i know i've been sparse with the posting lately. if you get bored, be sure to check this out. AMAZINGLY AKWARD.

he's just not that into you....

ok. i know i'm light years behind contemporary women everywhere, but for my first night in Boulder with Bek, i wasn't tired, so i read the first three chapters of He's Just Not That Into You. Let's just say, I didn't have high expectations- what literary wisdom can possibly come from a book, made into a movie, where jennifer conelly gets cheated on and jennifer aniston has to trick ben affleck into marrying her. this is pretty much the opposite of reality if you ask me.

please try to cheat on this woman, and then see what happens. only the tiger woods' of the world get away with this crap, and even he got beat with golf clubs by a blonde.

Anyway, when i opened up this pop culture phenomenon i was not ready for this comedy and truth expressed perfectly in words:

"I'm about to make a wild, extreme, and severe relationship rule: The word "busy"

is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship

weapon of mass destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you

uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember,

men are never too busy to get what they want."

well, i'm not to sure about all the "man" generalizations the author is making here, because unless i'm a man, and i am not, i too like to get what i want; and strangely enough, i think most women over the age of 20 understand the concept of prioritizing. so, maybe the point here isn't that men and women can't make functional relationships NOT because the man is too busy to call the over-emotional, over-analyzing, desperate, waiting by the phone woman. maybe the problem is that both men and women possess the higher executive function to prioritize what they want, and maybe both are prioritizing the wrong things.

i didn't start reading this book because i have a floundering, desperate dating life where i meet loads of men that never call me. as all of you (minus creepy internet stalkers) know, i have absolutely zero dating life since entering med school (that's approximately 1.5 years if you're counting). yep, that's right, what are you doing right now meg, welllll, ohhhh i'm just blogging in bed while eating beef jerky.

so, the point i'm reflecting on here is not one of romantic relationships, but more of relationships in general. "Busy" is an age old word used by both our mothers and fathers for generations and generations before us to get out of stuff they didn't care about / find important. and i completely agree with greg behrendt when he says that "busy" is a word most often used by assholes. its good to know that my medical education is pruning me into a scientific, critical thinker / asshole. how many times a day do i hear/talk about how busy i am and how much i have to do. why? because in so many ways our busy-ness can determine our self-worth. if i'm not active to the point of exhaustion and under-eye circles, i don't feel like i accomplished much. maybe this isn't what life is all about.

i can't wait to start off the new semester with the knowledge i will never be too busy for things i actually care about. and although i will be making NO new years' resolutions, i am excited about the enlightenment that busy-ness brings as well as my new anti-wrinkle cream.

i tried.

15. confession: i saw the lion king (not the animated movie, but the musical) the other night. it was beautiful. i wanted to say it was perfect, but it wasn't actually. really, i was freezing cold most of the time and pretty far away from the stage. the guy that played Mufasa kind of sucked and the grown up Simba had a bit of lisp. i also had a full plate of beef tacos and a marg beforehand and kind of wanted to die. BUT it was beautiful, nonetheless. which is how must things in life turn out anyway; imperfect yet all together beautiful when you look back on it. overall, my favorite part was the ballerinas that played the grass. they swayed and whirled just like i imagine human sized grass in Africa would. also, the whole theme of the symbiosis of nature was pretty overwhelmingly emotional for some reason.

those giraffes are pretty out of control.

14. confession: i'm feeling pretty drugged up on cough medicine right now and it took me about 45 mintues to write the paragraph above. so i'm giving up on the confessions. i hereby retreat into Christmas hiburnation with a 5 book reading list and new Gap pajamas. love you all and see you in the new year, where i will not be doing any resolutions. Peace and Joy, forever and Always.

love you, mr. frodo

16. confession: yep, that's an inappropriately long lord of the rings quote in the margin of my blog. and it's not leaving. get over it.