Guest blog appearance from Sarah

In order to curb the disruption of the fourth floor of briscoe that I have been inflicting for the past three hours, I have been instructed ms. fire-hair to write a blog entry. I don't know if I can live up to Meg's high standards of introspection and cynicism, but I'll try. With school wrapping up and the STEP looming, I've been thinking a lot about the future lately. In a little over a month I'll be leaving San Antonio for a year and relocating to Harlingen....for the most part I can't wait to get out of this town, but since classes have ended the nostalgia has set in, and there are more than a few things I'm going to miss about this place. In that spirit, here is a top 10 list of things that I've loved about the last two years, and will be sad to part with:

1. "Thank You for Making Lives Better" every morning

2. Nan Clare

3. Giggling in the corner of lecture hall at pictures of werewolves, tampoons, and Dr. Lafer's 90,000 key chains

4. Super Target (seriously. the closest one in the valley is at least 100 miles away)

5. Knowing that if I don't feel like cracking Bates or doing a self-study, one will magically land in my inbox (and by magic, I mean Liz Ketner)

6. Dance parties in the third floor group study rooms - turns out the actually aren't soundproof after all

7. Being free to get up and dress like a homeless person when the mood strikes

8. Awkward moments in CAP/ACES ("Can you spread your legs for me?", "I'm now going to feel you for thrills", making patients bleed with the tuning fork)

9. Tonic Bar....or not

10. "Have a Great Day" as I'm leaving the parking lot

Its funny, looking back on first year, most of it is a blur...I can't distinctly remember exactly when I made friends, discovered pandora, became lactose intolerant, or developed a sick caffeine addiction. Soon, second year will be a blur and we won't even remember what a pwn the GI exam was...and on that emo note, there's only one proper way to end this blog entry:

goodnight musings.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park,

I asked God who I'm supposed to be.

The stars smiled down on me,

God answered in silent reverie.

I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream.

perfection.

i am so into this right now, it's not even funny.

Priscilla Ahn - Dream from Jay Kim on Vimeo.

exactly how i feel today in every possible way.

also, i'm loving that the first lady of France is officially one of my new fave artists. you go, girl.

check out carla bruni (sarkozy) for the most perfect study/life music

paper chain.

this was so appropriate. thank you kaili elaine, for the newest addition to my bedroom decor: a paper chain!

obvi, it's for counting down the days to ash and john's big day. i can't wait.

eh.

ok ok. the blog is dying and i'm sorry. i can't use the "busy excuse" because i already shot that one down in a previous post. looks like i've shot myself in the foot again. this sunday has been like pulling teeth. i know i need to study. but i just spent about 2 hours tanning outside. the transition from enjoyable time to study time is nearly impossible for me. i can't seem to be able to a hardcore studier and normal person in the same day. i'm too extreme to find middle ground.

in fact, transition overall is becoming increasingly difficult for me as the days pass. yesterday i was talking to Ash, and we were discussing the possibility of our star-crossed lover souls to ever live in the same city again.



she said we would be about 30 when i could decide where i wanted to live with a free will. oh God. 30? is that real?

get this: my first non-visceral response to this idea: " i better be skinny when i'm 30" .

Ash: " yeah, me too".

right. because being skinny when i'm 30 will definitely be the MOST important thing. plus, everyone knows time speeds up the female metabolism rate. duh.

anyway, Ash and i were having this conversation because we were discussing a certain emptiness in our lives. maybe its a lack of community, a type of loneliness, an unsettled feeling in where we live, a mourning of the past, a bleak view of the future.

ash said, " maybe by then we could fill the little emptiness in our hearts".

i meagerly acquiesced, but knew that i didn't really agree.

the truth is that my second year of medical school is almost over. i'm about to move to a new place, and start a whole new version of my life. while i am truly excited and curious, i can't shake an underlying feeling of doom. doom for the future of my career, doom for my relationships, doom for my sense of security and happiness.

i wonder why.

when i applied to medical school, one school asked me to discuss the most challenging point in my life. i wrote about my family, and my transition from child to adult. i ended the essay with this statement:

"As I look toward a career in medicine with gratitude and excitement, I am confident that these struggles forced me to decide who I am, to be confident in my ideals, to have faith in my dreams, and to understand that hope is not in vain".

reading that now is incredibly shameful. i wonder how my enthusiasm, but mostly my faith in the goodness of life has diminished so significantly in less than 2 years.

somehow i've misplaced the value in my life from believing and pursuing truth, to hoping that i'm skinny when i'm 30.

the thing is, is that i'm longing for something that i can't even identify.

writing this blog and seeing myself in print has made me realize that i've forgotten that the great mystery of life is that i am called to a journey greater than i can even imagine. that i still believe, even if it is not as emphatic or clear as it has been in the past.

while i cannot say that i still believe my career will change the lives of others, or that i will even be an encouragement to my future patients, i can be joyful over the fact the even in the emptiness of the present time, i still desperately and passionately believe in the power of serving others. whether it be through medicine, embarrassing stories, or constant harassment, i know i will accomplish this in my lifetime. and that, my friends, brings me hope.

last year, Ash visited me and brought me a book she made for me. she quoted henri nouwen,

" you come to your brothers and sisters accepting your own brokenness. not fearless and tearless. not unscarred and unshaken. dreadfully vulnerable in giving life to others; you die a little each time, each day".

thanks for the encouragement, Ash.

thanks for reading.

meg

open for interpretation...

hi. i'm ashamed. it's been a while. honestly, i've been wheeling and dealing in my head for the past couple of weeks about what my next blog would be. i've had a couple of ideas, all requiring long, dramatic stories of laughter, tears, and revelation. surprised?

i just can't decide what to write about today, and i feel i've left so many bloggable experiences un -written in the last few weeks. so i've decided to condense all my could-be-posts into a short summary. each point is open to interpretation by you, the reader. can't wait to hear what you think of my days of late.

1. first, there was the day (about a million months ago) that i had a standardized patient with benign prostatic hypertrophy. basically, that means he's an older guy whose prostate is growing and obstructing his urine flow. naturally, he asked me what that meant. being the brilliant doctor-to-be that i am, i drew him a picture of his urinary tract! i AM brilliant; here it is:

it makes PERFECT sense, right. i mean, just look at that labeled prostate constricting those ureters! i was really proud of myself until my patient proceeded to remind me that the prostate lies BELOW the bladder. duh. there's nothing like being schooled on basic anatomy by someone who doesn't spend hours every day studying it.

don't worry, that day was only slightly embarrassing.

2. actually, the prostate day was a walk in the park compared to that day last week, when it rained. it rained and i was pissed at the slow walker in front of me. i passed that sucker at lightning fast speed just as the ground i walked on mysteriously transformed from concrete to grass. i fell flat on my face in front of at least 5 dental students; all of which passed me and refused eye contact as i picked up my inappropriately large purse, text book, laptop, and BROKEN IN HALF umbrella. no big deal. really. i'm fine.

3. then there was the day that i went to pick up Liv, and decided to take her sister along as well. yep. that's right. two puppies at once. i named her pearl, for obvious reasons.

liv and pearl, sisters 4 lyfe.

then, there was the moment about 5 seconds after having them both that i realized having two puppies means quite literally that i will never be alone again, not even to pee.

that day i also realized that liv and i may be one soul in two seperate bodies;

too bad she got the looks and i got the damn opposable thumbs.

3. i must admit, being liv's mom looks good on me. so good, in fact i must be exuding some air of motherhood, because a random man actually asked me if i was pregnant over Christmas break. yep, i was super-flattered of course! there's not anything quite like someone wondering if you gained weigh, retained water, and developed pitting edema. it was almost as bad as the day in college when a girl in a gas station asked me if i 'used to be pregnant'. oh wait, no, it was worse.

i love being called fat!

so glad i ran into edward cullen later that day in the make-up section of neiman's. a good vampire sighting can cure anything.

4. it's days like those above that i realize how fortunate i am to have family. especially my sisters. i mean, it's hard loving a clumsy, pregnant, medical student with no affinity for science. especially on days when she insists upon riding in the grocery cart instead of walking around the store.

or when she insists you climb a ladder in your wedding gown.

thanks, anne. love you forever; and sorry i said you look like luigi in an earlier post, you totally grew out of it.

5. there was everyday, and then there was today, when i wrote this blog; starting out with a general bitterness toward prostates and ending with an affection for the two woman who deal with me with incredible patience, tolerating 8 AM texts like, "do you think all of us sisters are super fertile?", extensively detailed Christmas requests , and at least one year of general ridicule of their husbands.

i. am. lucky. let the peace and joy prevail!

thanks for reading, this one is dedicated to shellis.

For Rebekah...

lately, my dearest friend rebekah has been experiencing a few unnerving cardiac malfunctions; and much like rebekah herself, traditional western medicine is having quite the time decifering them. basically, that's a BS way of saying that no one knows what is wrong with Bek and her accompanying heart palpitations. anyway, in order to expedite her recovery, i'd like to officially announce to her and the rest of the blog-reading world, that a new and pee-your-pants exciting addition has been made to the pursuit of peace and joy.

her name is Liv. and she is perfect.

a better cuddler than your boyfriend, softer than cashmere, and prettier than your average super-model, Liv is well on her way to becoming my life time companion. can't wait to share stories of her with you.

rebekah, feel free to watch this video and Wall-E as many times as you need.

love,
old megg and little liv

PS. i know i've been sparse with the posting lately. if you get bored, be sure to check this out. AMAZINGLY AKWARD.